The Scenic Route: Day 22

The Board Game of My Life 

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It’s another Red Monday, and I’m having trouble finding anything to say. 

I am embarrassed about my meltdown this weekend. I am overly sensitive. See The Scenic Route: Day 10.

My annual physical is this Thursday and I am extremely anxious. If my cholesterol isn’t at least a smidge lower, I will be sad. 

My inner cynic says, “What the hell are you worried about? A heart attack would be welcome!

I am going to fast today and drink plenty of water and hope my blood work is the best it can be.

Compared to last year, I am slightly more in touch with my emotions, I am writing regularly (even if I have no idea who’s reading it), an I’ve lost a few pounds. So what the frick to I care about what my Doctor says? I know I’m better than I was last year. 

I mean, I know I’m still an over-sensitive, self-obsessed, failure-addict, but I really do want to get better. Even if it’s very easy and almost justified to dismiss me as a fool, I want to keep going. I want to figure it out, at least as much as I can.

Maybe I’ll just figure out it was all a waste of time. Maybe I’ll finally get a feeling of being worthy. Truth is I will never know. 

Like driving at night, your headlights only reveal so far, but you keep going and deal with what comes.

The only option is to keep playing the “bored” game of my existence. I need to roll the dice and play what I get, not to flip the board and have a fit. 

The truth is, there are some scary things coming. And no amount of overthinking or useless planning can change that. I can’t prevent my mother from dying, even though I wish more than anything, that I could. I can’t prevent me from getting a serious illness like prostate cancer. Truth is, I am genetically susceptible to prostate cancer. I may suffer a similar fate to my Dad.  

We can try and drown our sorrows in bourbon, meditation, faith  but the sorrows just get preserved, aged, and more potent. I can’t drown them, I can only experience them. Grit my teeth and weather the storm and try not to add to the destruction.

Enjoy life when you can. The only moment is now. You need to play the space you’re on, even if it’s go directly to mental jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

Next time you might roll doubles.

© 2014