Missed...by that much
It turns out, I probably should not have gone to the anniversary party. Nobody needs my negative energy at a blissful event like that.
It just seemed so exceptionally cruel. There was really no reason for me to be there. Seeing a slideshow set to music featuring highlights of the family’s life, just about killed me. I mean, I don’t want them to suffer loss like I did, but being there was like being in a Twilight Zone episode. Everyone was blissful and full of Jesus. There was no alcohol, just pink lemonade, root beer, and coca-cola. It was like a giant What if. This could have been my family.
The youngest son, who was now happily married to a woman, like it should be, handed out sheets of paper for people to write down memories of his parents. He then collected the memories and read them aloud and people had to guess who wrote it.
“You were like my second mother and father.”
The mom immediately thought of my brother. I thought he said it, too. When he married into the family, he experienced a feeling of acceptance like he never knew in our home.
It turns out someone else said it, but the fact that I thought he said it and she thought he said it, was tough.
I’ve always been envious of my brothers life. He’s been married 25 years and has a real family, no kids, but a family that support and care for him.
In our house, my dad criticized everyone, but he really picked on my brother. With my brother’s new family, he is viewed as a clever, creative, capable genius. Is it any wonder he feels more comfortable there?
I have no kids. I have no relationship. If I married tomorrow, I would still die before I got to 50 years. But the chances of finding anyone who would tolerate me is minuscule. Why would I voluntarily put anybody through that? Who the hell would want to participate in this hot mess of insanity? And if they do want to participate, doesn’t that mean there must be something wrong with them?
The mediocre PowerPoint slideshow, featuring photos of their 50 years of bliss, put me over the edge. I just thought of all the memories I would put in the presentation. Memories of the anniversary that could have been.
What do I have to look forward to in my life?
Chances are, if thing go bad with mom and she, heaven forbid, has a medical emergency, I will be the one, and only one, to deal with it. I will have to attempt cpr. I will have to call the ambulance. I will have to find her. It’s not really a matter of if, as much as when.
Not only will I have to deal with that, my siblings will ultimately blame me for whatever happens. I mean it was under my watch, right? Even if they don’t, I will think they do.
It’s a lot of pressure.
But then, while talking to family across the table, the daughter, who is currently visiting colleges, said “we certainly took the scenic route.” She was describing the route they took to South Carolina, but I saw it as a sign. Then, Total Eclipse of the Heart came on the music. It was like the universe was winking at me.
That’s the moment when I remembered that I couldn’t post to my blog without my home computer. I know that’s archaic, but I was using sandvox software and it’s only on my desktop. So the only way I could post is to be on my desktop computer, which was 60 miles away. Even if I was inspired to write, I couldn’t post it to the blog.
I just wanted to get to 20 days. But I always fall short.
But as a friend on FB pointed out to me, it could always be worse.
And someone else posted an “inspirational quote” saying “The only one in charge of your happiness, is you.” This may be true, but to a depressed person, it sounds like, if you are depressed, it’s your own goddam problem. And it is, it’s nobody else’s problem. I wish I could just be happy. My brain doesn’t work that way.
I thought I would be reaching the finish line, with this post, I found out I am just farther along on the Scenic Route.
